Waiting in the Wilderness

21 Aug

I looked in the mirror this morning and perceived that my eyebrows might have started to grow back. It didn’t fill me with the joy or excitement I had expected. I had a long look at my hair – and if this hasn’t yet started to grow back, at least what I had left has got longer. Picking up the paper this morning, I couldn’t decide whether my garden is half flourishing or half dead. Difficult for anything to survive in this summer’s heat.

But survival is the name of the game. Now, I’m taking stock, looking around trying to find out what’s going on with me; surrounded by the same loving family with their same enthusiasm to keep me fighting.  But do I know in which direction I’m going? Do any of us really know? Perhaps I’ve just got more time to think about it.

From the moment I was diagnosed I knew there was no cure – only the hope that I have to hang around long enough until a cure is found. There’s lots going on out there in the field of research but what about what’s going on inside me? How happy I was to know that some Israeli research proposals have just been submitted in time for this week’s deadline of the annual selection process of the Hirschberg Foundation. It also gave me great satisfaction that a faithful blog reader had asked me the other day to contact a pancreatic cancer sufferer. She wanted me to encourage him to rejoin the fight. Hopefully I’ve given him a few clues.

Religious Jews might say that this is the time of year when we’re all obliged to get some perspective of our lives before the New Year. I find myself doing this on a daily basis – often at more frequent intervals. Perhaps its just par for the course. It manifests itself in daily decisions. Is it worth saving our Shekels or not? Should we go to the expense of repairing/replacing things in the house or just not bother? Another overseas holiday? – A bit indulgent, no?  Have I got enough things to do, or as my youngest daughter says, am I just manufacturing projects?

Maybe, we all ask ourselves these questions all the time. I just don’t remember that they had the same meaning before I was ill.

At least the Olympics had the positive effect of me trying to rejuvenate something else from my previous life – a proposal for the Maccabiah Games.  I presented a concept three years ago after the last games. Although it was politely, if not overwhelmingly enthusiastically received – it didn’t get anywhere.  But that’s another story.. .  .

At least I’m around to contemplate the answers – and if I can find the energy I’ll perhaps pursue some new avenues. Mytomycine C and Xeloda are challenging me at the moment with their side effects. I’m waiting for the Parps patiently.

4 Responses to “Waiting in the Wilderness”

  1. Thelma Levyk August 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

    Manufacturing projects! I think not…..the garden is as lovingly tended as always The house and it’s hiccups are taken care of .You have always been meticulous in everything that you do.Is this the end of summer blues???
    Talking of ‘wilderness’,for someone who was right there not so long ago,check out the one in P.E.’s backyard…..gives a different perspective to the word.
    Lol T

  2. Felicity August 21, 2012 at 11:56 pm #

    another trip sounds excellent!

    • fiona kaufman August 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

      I too am a silent follower (as estelle wrote), believing the live updates to be better than the written word…but I must say the heart is revealed more in the written than the spoken word….love fiona xxx

  3. Angie & Albert August 29, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    Those Parps are just around the corner, but until they arrive another trip sounds like the perfect distraction.
    Your room here is ready whenever you two are!
    Love you.

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