Mind Over Matter

17 Jan

I’m in a bit of a muddle at the moment. It’s not that that I’ve lost direction – I’m basically pounding the same treadmill to keep myself in the same place. Only in my case I’m always aware of the possibility of going over the top of the “up” curve and starting the down-side. Last week was difficult. For the first time in a couple of months, I put back the drug oxalyplatin into my bi-monthly chemo cocktail. I had previously stopped taking the oxaly because of its bad side effects. In my case, the side effect is neuropathy – which I wouldn’t recommend to anyone.

I get through the week and we’re fortunate enough to have the whole family over for Friday night supper. A log fire is crackling in the fireplace. Nice. Guests leave and it’s just the five of us left; we start talking. I suppose I should have been happy that we are able to talk openly together – good communication is certainly not a given in many families today. But emotions get high and inner thoughts come to the fore. It’s not easy for me. I was brought up in a home where thoughts were not shared nor were discussions developed.  

Many things came out of the maelstrom. I try and detach myself from the discussion on two accounts. Firstly, I feel uncomfortable when the discussion is about me and secondly, there’s only so much theorizing one can do. After that, I see things as becoming counter-productive. Perhaps I still have to learn the art of debating. The family has certainly moved forward since my illness. Time never stands still in any circumstance and I’m proud of the way they’re dealing with reality.

My thoughts move on to the week ahead – and what I’ll be doing. It should be a better week than last week; it’s a week between treatments. I’ve got lots of peripheral activities on the go – but no core activities to look forward to; no work and no projects to perfect. No garden to potter around for the moment as the weather is wet and wintry. I even consider how long to keep the blog up and running.

Two other issues came up during the week which gave me food for thought. Where am I in my pancreatic fight and why was my office bothering me with an issue that for me is now completely off the radar screen?

Can cancer be a built-in excuse for copping out of everything? I come to no conclusion on this one. For the first time, I feel as though I’ve written this posting for myself. But I’ve decided to share it.

Life goes on – and naturally enough each one of us enveloped with his own problems.  



3 Responses to “Mind Over Matter”

  1. mike attinsom January 17, 2012 at 7:32 am #

    Dont think for even one moment to discontinue your blog!!!!

  2. mike attinsom January 17, 2012 at 7:33 am #

    what “matters is the mind”!!!

  3. Karen Abel January 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    So a previous person wrote exactly my thoughts-don’t think of stopping your blog.
    Even if your readers don’t always respond, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t reading, enjoying your writing and learning from you!
    I personally find it fascinating to see what is going on in your life, what you are experiencing and how you are feeling.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us …

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